Over the past couple of months we have said a heartfelt farewell to loved ones who sadly were only to see a lifetime  of some 40-50 years. Some were illness, some were the result of coping strategies to what have clearly been very difficult and troubled lives and experiences. With each has come an understandable - if not entirely warranted - sense of guilt and responsibility from their families. Questions pre-occupy their thoughts and memories wondering  were there signs and things which they just missed? Have they not cared enough? Should they have been more 'interfering' and stepped in when they were worried and concerned? Sadly, hindsight is a wonderful and also painful thing.          In spending time with each of these families it was so touchingly clear that your love, care and support was nothing but incredible and always there. And your loved ones knew and felt that. That is such an important truth and realisation to hold to now as you each begin what will be a very unique and at times difficult with your grief and loss now. I always like to signpost families and friends to the incredible support and professional bodies who are always just a phone call away. Whilst this is a deeply individual and unique time for you now, it doesn't by necessity need to be a lonely one. 

www.letitbesaid.co.uk/support-and-help.html

This week we bid the fondest of farewell's to a gent who has clearly and so lastingly touched the lives of many people throughout his 83 years with us. From a humble young man with a dream and sparkle in his eye, to a gentleman who had achieved so much by his later years - this was a life lived and enjoyed. For the family they were a little unsure how many would join us in chapel. All they knew was that "he was so well loved by many." And as we came to appreciate, closing the chapel doors just wasn't going to be possible as more and more came to join us. As I looked around the room we had such a wide ranging gathering. People of all ages and a huge gathering from our Filipino friends. 
As the family were greeted outside, these were many treasured moments of hugs and quiet words from everyone who had joined us today. This is a family and community of friends who will now continue to look after one another and forever hold this special man in their hearts and memories.

This post really is a personal reflection. I would never wish people to ever see my site as a selective use and share of just all of the positives. 
Today's service found us trying, with such genuine care and compassion, to say a fond and heartfelt farewell to a gentleman who, having been married twice, had 2 separate but equally important chapters in his life.  Stories and memories were shared to try to recognise  and celebrate each chapter and family. As we closed our final words it was sadly very apparent that the families were ending their time with us in two very different places. Whilst one family had a sense of closure and peace, the other were clearly feeling very isolated and aggrieved by our content. Nothing was going to change this in the immediacy and rawness of the moment. Whilst I could empathise, I just couldn't fix this in the immediate. 
What this sad day has reminded me is of a few simple but quite difficult truths. As we plan, prepare and write a service your loved one we sadly get one window of opportunity to get this right. You each have this single opportunity to share your voice - your memories, stories and thoughts. That window needs taking. As a celebrant we will always make the time to listen to all and to share the voices of all. We take on the responsibility of making it happen and right for all. But in fairness to your celebrant - we simply cant write what we don't know. You would be quite amazed by the amount of brokering that we often discretely do behind the scenes between families! But we take that in our stride as part of our role. 
To end a service being told in no uncertain terms just how "poor" and "unfair" you have been isn't easy or enjoyable  to hear.  We pour endless hours into our work and support of our families (and in truth, not for great financial reward) But we take it on the chin and look to see what we can learn from it and try to change for the next time we find ourselves in this situation. I only hope that, given time, some others are able to take the same amount of reflection and ownership of their choice of words and actions. Grief was a large part of today - but not the only consideration.

No matter how big a presence and physical stature you are, grief still hurts in just the same way. Watching a son do everything possible to repay his adored dad for all of the love, examples, teachings and guidance  was such an honour to witness and be asked to be even just the smallest part of.  Today wasn't ever to be about fancy words, endless  quotes and readings and trying to sing song that didn't really have a place in our service. Today was about showing love to a dad who will forever live on in his families homes and hearts. Watching you so proudly take dad's cap from the casket with the promise that it would proudly travel on with you was something just a little bit special today.  You raised yourself a great lad. Now proudly enjoy him living the life you would wish for him x

Today we said a very fond and moving farewell for now to a beautiful lady and soul who was just everything to everybody. Although never known as a touchy feely lady who was so open with her feelings, she filled peoples hearts and memories each and every day. As we played for you 'Secret Love' by Doris Day, I watched through tear filled eyes as your husband pointed and then closed his eyes as he quietly serenaded you from his seat. My hand didn't touch the fade button for the music as this was a moment that needed to just be between the two of you. Save the daft old bugga seat up there with you. He will miss you more than his words will ever be able to share.

Thank you for the love, friendship and joy that you brought to all who knew you. rest now dear lady

We have just said a fond farewell to a fabulous gent, T. This man was simply loved and adored beyond words by his family, friends and neighbours. He was never one for a fuss or making a show of things and so the family shared a very intimate and special service for him. His weathered cap, with so many so many stories to tell, rested gently upon his casket next to his medal from his National Service.

Covid had struck the family during our planning time together, But, with such strength of character and unfaltering ways, they just carried on through phone calls and exchanges of emails. With their patience and understanding we proudly produced a service that just T proud. We smiled and shed a few tears as we  accepted, with a heavy heart, that the time had come for T to leave us to be reunited with his much adored and missed wife, D. 

To the family, I would just like to publically acknowledge and share my thanks for all that you gave. Even at this, the hardest of times for yourselves as you were grieving, you were such amazing hosts. You showed an awareness and kindness to others throughout - something that I am quite sure that T would have been so proud of you all for.

Enjoy filling your own personal, emotional  treasure boxes with the memories and sentiments of T. 
and please remember that - 

“Death leaves a heartache that takes time to heal,
but leaves behind the memories that no one can steal”

I truly wish you all the very best on this next part of your journey together x

​

 We know that “…wherever you are, and wherever you go, there’s always gonna be some light”

Today we said a loving farewell to a very unassuming and quite private man who was simply the centre and heart of his small but very close and adored family. His unexpected passing has torn through his family and left a gap which is as yet unimaginable to fill. But, united together in their love and adoration, they sent J to his final place of peace and rest with some wonderful words and song choices. His memory was celebrated and forever preserved and honoured. And his legacy will live on for sure within his family. His words of care and support, of wisdom and of humour and fun will forever echo in those who mattered most to him.
With your open hearts, your moment of peace and comfort will find you both xx

Today was just a little special. Surrounded by three generations of a very close and loving family, a loving and adoring lady said a sad farewell to her love and soulmate. But as we all sat transfixed to a wonderful photo tribute that he been so cleverly and lovingly created, J was just lost in the moment. As we listened to 'I love you because', her eyes just danced and sparkled and she watched a trip down memory lane with her husband on the huge screen in front of us. I filled up just looking across at her. And the most wonderful of words were shared as she left the chapel - "I will miss him so much. But I had in in my life for a long time didn't I?" X

Today was possibly the most beautiful and fitting send off that a devastated and heart broken family could ever achieve. Their dad was just a legend in his own right. In nothing but love, his large, close family absolutely threw caution to the wind and had words, stories and laughter that  E so deserved. How special that we were joined by an incredible interpreter who, amazingly, ensured that the service could be accessed and enjoyed by so many friends from through the years. This was most certainly a man who will live on forever in his family's hearts and homes. As you help one another through the harder times ahead, always remember 
"We talk about them, not because we’re stuck, or because we haven’t moved on. We talk about them because we are theirs and they are ours, and no passage of time will ever change that"

 Today we said a heartfelt farewell to a beautiful lady and soul. She had so bravely battled with her illness, and did so with a strength and dignity that were simply remarkable. The chapel was beyond capacity with just so many people gathered wishing to say their own farewells and show the heartbroken family their love and support.

We shared during our eulogy that some people have a gift to have such a positive and incredible impact on the lives of others. For this special lady, it was not only to her family but also to all of the children who she met in her time working in local schools.

I have yet to see a family so utterly devastated by their loss. Their just weren't words. Comfort seemed all but out of reach for them all. But their strength lay in their togetherness. 

We enjoyed a warm and loving moment as they shared that, as a family, they have  their code to share how they are each feeling. At good times they are surfing on the surface, at other just times hanging onto the board until the waves calm a little. For them it is so true that - 

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.
All we can do is learn to swim.”
- Vicki Harrison.  

Today was the first day in many that I had to do all that I could not to openly cry myself. The moment  was caught and gently supported by a lovely member of the gathering who just laid a hand on my arm and whispered "I know. Me too. It is just so hard today. We have lost a beautiful lady" x
Quite how she had the awareness or strength to care for somebody else at her own time of need was beyond me. But I was so grateful that she had.

​Today has been an incredible day, and one I feel very fortunate to have been allowed to be a small part of. Today we said a final and very special goodbye to our family grandad. C was a truly incredible fella who lived a full and blessed 90 years of life. Conscripted to serve in the Korean war at just 21 years old and then raising his children and family alone, this was a man who could have justifiably had lots of things to grumble and complain about in life. Yet he didn't. He took the world in his stride and has left a legacy behind that most of us can only dream of achieving. From his immediate family right down to his youngest great-grandchildren who arrived just in time to meet C, his message to all has been heard loud and clear today - Live a kind, peaceful and mischievous life! If you aren't creating fun then you are missing out on the beauty of your day. 
Today we shed tears of laughter as well as sorrow.
Shine on bright you wonderful man. Gone but NEVER to be forgotten. You have our word on that xx

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Today's service marked the passing of a quiet incredible gentleman from Hartlepool. Although a very unassuming man, as we began to connect with friends and family and research his eulogy, we unearthed just how involved and significant his life was to the study and preservation of local  and UK wide transport history. Described by friends and colleagues as "simply the likes of which we shall never see again..." 
After the service I found myself wanting to go and sit in the same place he had, and see and experience for myself exactly what we had described in his eulogy. And it was a very emotional and humbling experience.

"Picture if you will - a solitary bearded gent, wrapped in his trusted long black overcoat, a carrier bag by his side, sitting outside of Greggs. A cup of coffee in hand, this unassuming figure sits and quietly surveys… Never an utterance of judgement. Never a heartbeat of anything less than compassion and care. With eyes and a mind so keenly aware of even the seemingly slightest of changes around him. And with the sharpest of memories that could happily recall how this had all been in the days gone by…     
    
J would observe the world racing past. Earphones in, phones in hand, heads firmly down… internet, emails, texts, messages…Their eyes rarely daring leave the tiny screens before them. By contrast to J, they were lost in technology.  And sadly, all but oblivious to the world around them. And all but oblivious to this rather special man they were passing on their travels." 

Thank you for the comfort, calm and companionship you brought to so many J.